This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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