but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
