Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
