You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
