Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He? As in you personified your dick?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
