i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
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