and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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