his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
