I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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