Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
