I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
This is the high leading the old right now
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
