areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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