I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I will be naked everywhere
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
