apparently the secret to your success is patron
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
