last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
