My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
