i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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