i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
