You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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