If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
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