Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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