Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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