i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
