Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
