I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
and you fell through a lawn chair
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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