I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
