Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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