He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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