I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
