Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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