i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
