my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
