Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
