How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
