Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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