So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
