Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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