if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
