The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
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