then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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