Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
