i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Randomize
