I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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