i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Randomize
