i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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