What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
