Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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