how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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