You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You were trust falling into bushes
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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