i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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