I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
The best revenge is premature balding
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
