I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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