I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
