Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
