Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
