my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
