you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
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I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
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Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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