Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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