I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
