He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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