I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Girls should come with a carfax report
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
